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Journey through Pregnancy: Month 1

Journey through Pregnancy: Month 1
If you read my previous post on pregnancy loss, you would know that we’ve struggled through 2019 & 2020 with 3 miscarriages. Long, long story short I am a high risk pregnancy with essentially a flip of a coin for success rate for the first 8 weeks. Therefore every day is a new set of nerves because I know I am not guaranteed tomorrow. This post is coming much later in my pregnancy because we were, understandably, not ready at all to announce to the world that we were pregnant, especially with so many losses. But I wanted to document how I was feeling about all of this as I went along. The first two pregnancies I bought pregnancy journals & had to throw each of them away. Then with the third I said f*ck it, I’m not wasting my money when who knows how long this will last. And so birthed this blog series (pun totally intended).

How far along

4 weeks sorta. . .the way they count pregnancy is stupid. Instead of starting at estimated date of conception (which I know & if you are interested, it was November 13), they start at the first day of your last period. So physically speaking I am only 2 weeks, but everyone calls it 4.

Sex

Obviously we have no idea & at this point I don’t care to place bets. I just want the baby to survive.

*Note: it’s not gender at this point, it’s sex. Yes, it matters. It’s biology.

Total weight gain/stretch marks

Nothing. I normally flutter around 135 lbs, but I was hoping to get down to 130 at the beginning of 2020 and then COVID sooo that did not happen but I also did not gain quarantine weight so that’s good.

Maternity Clothes

No, obviously not & to be honest I am not thinking/dreaming/planning that far at all.

Sleep

I was so freakin’ tired. I would come home from work and sleep for hours. I stupidly thought it was because I loss my intern & now *I* was doing all the direct teaching. Now I realize it’s because I’m pregnant. I never felt this exhausted before in my life.

Miss Anything?

I thought I was going to miss a glass of wine with dinner but the mere thought of alcohol turns my stomach. I guess that’s a good thing? Funny enough I am not a huge sandwich person but now I really miss sandwiches. I want good, cold deli meat.

Cravings

I think “lack of” cravings is more like it. All I want to eat is bread and butter. Vegetables just turn me off right now. I’m not trying to push it but I hope that changes.

Symptoms

Physically, my boobs are always the first things to change & it was no different this time. Otherwise no nausea at all, which worries me of course. Because that was how I knew the third pregnancy was over, the nausea stopped overnight. I guess I should be thankful I am not puking my brains out, but it would be at least something reassuring me that the baby was still doing ok.

Mood

Absolute shit. We didn’t exactly want to get pregnant again so soon after the third loss. I got so attached before, excitedly planning only to have it ripped away from me & this time it is the opposite: I feel nothing. I void.

Best Moment this Month

Sorry but I’ve got nothing for you.

Hardest Moment this Month

Finding out we were pregnant. I literally just said “FUCK!” when the test came back positive and cried in the shower. I chose not to believe it and took another one the next day. I’m emotionally spent & can’t really be happy, not when, as has happened 3 times in a row, I lose the baby by week 8.

Looking forward to

Hopefully making it. As empty as I emotionally feel, I obviously hope to meet this baby someday.

Exercise

Not a damn thing. I was so tired.

JMF

2 comments

  1. Jess, I am so incredibly happy for you and your little blessing. Wish I could give you a huge hug. The pain is so real and even though you will eventually hold that little one amd know and give such unconditional love, you will always feel the loss of the little ones and their possibilities that you lost. I struggled for years to get pregnant. I had one miscarriage. Had surprised my family on Christmas day with tje news I was 8 weeks. I miscarried the next day. The worst experience of my life. I finally went to the specialist. After lots of tests and probing, i discovered i had endometriosis. In order to conceive each of my children I had to have surgery. And a nice big shot at ovulation with Jeweliet. With Justice I had a blood clot, which put me at high risk for miscarriage. I had to take take extra progesterone. I was so incredibly sick. I was so scared and didn’t tell anyone untill I was 16 weeks pregnant. Showed up to Maine to surprise my family witb my bany belly. My Mom was able to see the sonogram telling me the wonderful news that I was having a boy. I feel like I was literally holding my breath the whole pregnancy until I was able to hold him in my arms. No one can possibly underatand unless they have personally suffered such loss and trauma. Know that you are not alone
    You are incredibly strong amd one day a little miracle will be so very blessed to call you Mommy.

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